To Fathers

Today—the day after Father's Day—I saw the most lovely thing. At one minute to my train's departure time, I was still in the parking lot, running at full tilt to the platform. As I approached, I noticed a man casually standing on the platform near the doors.

His cream polo shirt with orange and red stripes was tucked neatly into his khaki pants. He had a fair amount of hair left—a bit fluffy, in the color scheme of his shirt—and large glasses with thin rims.

As I threw myself into the open door of the train, I realized he was standing there conversing happily with his son, a nice kid in the image of his father, wearing a charity fundraiser t-shirt and a sixteen-year-old grin.

I took my seat, as the doors closed and the train started out. The father started out too—framing himself in the window across from his son and waving with the same grin. He smiled and waved and kept pace with the train. Occasionally stooping down in the classic imitation of going down stairs. The train moved faster, and so did this dad. He ran along with his ipad in one hand and more waving with the other until the platform ran out and the train was out. And by then, I was crying.

I'm crying again as I write this. Everything about it was just so beautiful: all the joy brimming over and the love pouring out, and the son who seemed to enjoy it. The train goes to the airport, so it's possible this was goodbye for longer than a day, but I doubt this kid was going away for very long. I think his dad just really likes him.

It reminded me of the father who wore 170 different costumes over the school year as he waved to his son on the bus. You can read about that here.

I think seeing these two made me happy because my dad is sort of like them. He doesn't wear silly costumes, and he's never sent me away on public transit. But he hangs around like that. He keeps talking with me until the last second, and that always makes me feel loved. It's clear that he loves me and my brother by his smile. My dad is a great man through and through.

I wanted to share this video on fathers. It's a bit repetitive, but I think about it often.



P.S. Super and I got married! Hence my lack of posting. Do forgive me. To whet your appetite for great pictures of us, you can go here: http://olsonandpitts.ourwedding.com.

My Valentine's Gift to You

For reading my blog, I'd love to give you something great. So here's something. These are some of my favorite words on marriage from one of my favorite bands, Chasing Owls. The video's not the most exciting thing ever, but the lyrics and the sounds—splendid.



"Walk with me between the mast and rigging. Walk with me to tell me what you're thinking. For I've watched you at the start, and I'll watch you 'til the end. That is her right now—your only friend."

I love everything about this song but mostly it's the idea of seeing others in love, believing in them, and doing as it says in the song: "Tell me that it's love, and I'll tell you that's enough. And I myself will push you down the river."

I can think of at least one couple I'd love to push down the river (ten points if you can find a post about it on here), one I have (except I don't take much credit for it), and several who work on pushing me (here and here [I need to write more about these people, obviously.]).

Aviator Glasses on My Face, Tambourine on My Head, and Confidence in My Heart

I've been thinking a lot about how I've changed over the past year. So far, I've come up with little to share, but I did dig up this beauty while cleaning. 

In eleventh grade, Ms. Sanderson, my favorite English teacher, assigned us to describe ourselves using this Mastercard ad. Hopefully it's big enough for you to catch the detail. I'm surprised at how little things have changed since then.

Where I Was Left

It was the last final before Christmas. That semester was one of those that I really didn't think I'd make it through. In three months, I'd been through a brief mysterious illness brought on by the terror of committing myself to a country called India. I had changed my mind and experienced every degree of soul-rocking doubt. When I sat down to take my last test, I believe I was signed up to go to India, but for the number of times I changed my mind, it could have easily been the other way around. Either way, I felt dark as the lead I began putting down one bubble at a time. Three hours later, I hit the last bubble, answered the question, and read these words from a gracious humanities teacher who loved art for everything it says:

"I leave you now in the best place I can: Auguste Rodin, the Hand of God."

Taking this birthday of Rodin's, I would like to also place you in that merciful state of contemplating this sculpture: the Hand of God.




Photo: kaitlin.marie

If you feel alone, please consider this:

Loneliness has often been a battle in my life. I need people. A lot. I need people who care about me to check in with me, to share with me, and to sit with me. Sometimes, I need someone there all the time, which while it is a real need, can sometimes be an impossible demand for the people I love to meet. I have many good people in my life who give a lot of their time to me. I'm really grateful for them. Still, I have days and moments when I am very alone, despite all they can do for me. Check out my post on the BYU Women's Services blog about how I handle these moments.

Healing marriages

No other truth is more deeply sunk into my soul than this one: "If our bodies are sick we seek to heal them. We do not give up. The same should be true of our marriages."-Elder Dallin H. Oaks

Truth is beauty

When I first moved into my apartment, I noticed this quote on the mirror: "Beauty is not in the face. Beauty is a light in the heart." And after I read it for the first time, I thought, that's a stupid quote. It says nice sentimental things, but it gives me little reason to believe, no way to conform to the statement, and no motivation to think it's true.

A year later, I still haven't taken down the quote though, flat sounding as it is. Read more...

Feeling feelings

 It usually happens around 3 and again at 10. That's when my faith wears out a bit, and I start doubting myself and everything else in existence. I get worried about what is up and what is down and who is who in my life.

These feelings are a part of who I am, and sometimes I have to acknowledge them a bit to understand why they are there, why they've always been there. They are very real to me. Despite that, they are not the controlling factor of everything. My friend gave me this great quote a while ago from an article by Terry Warner called "What We Are."

"One of our most dominant almost unexamined fictions is that we are not responsible for our emotions."

It is good to remember that the Spirit is not the same as emotion. Often extreme emotions can mask the Spirit. This is certainly the case with fear, anxiety, panic, and even excitement.

I'd like to share this great TED talk with you, in which Brene Brown talks about vulnerability as the heart of the connections we enjoy in life and shame as that which destroys those connections. She also gives a great definition of courage that I like very much. 

On missing the BYU devotional

Tuesday, I did not watch the devotional. In my time at BYU, I have missed very, very few devotionals, because I believe they are a great place for feeling the Spirit, for being changed by their content, or showing appreciation of what BYU is and does for us.

But I realized that my religion is not going to devotionals. My religion is worshiping God, loving Him, and seeking His Spirit. While going to devotional can be a part of achieving those ends, it is not the only way. Today, I had to accept that while I believe in going to devotional, it's okay to not go when the Spirit and my spirit calls for something else.

I'm way too good at moralizing the amoral: making my salvation dependent on what grade I got, how many books I read, or how few church meetings I missed. I think God is teaching me to be more flexible. He's okay with a lot more than I'm okay with. But I'd like to follow His ways, not mine.

"It is good to belong to our Father in Heaven’s true Church and to keep all of His commandments and fulfill all of our duties. But if this is to qualify as 'best,' it should be done with love and without arrogance. We should, as we sing in a great hymn, 'crown [our] good with brotherhood,^'  showing love and concern for all whom our lives affect."

-Elder Dallin H. Oaks

The day graduation happened to me

According to all ceremonial purposes, I have graduated. I've done the whole walking thing, and after one more class, I've have a real diploma to cover up the "example" one they put in my cover.

I've had some really rough and dark days in the five years I've been at BYU. I've had some really incredible days too. Looking back, it seems that every moment has been a little bit of both. Of all the let downs and breakdowns, I'll be honest in saying that there have been some times over the past two days of graduation that could actually rank pretty high in the list of most harrowing and emotionally trying moments at BYU.

That being said, here are some of the brightest spots and tender mercies:

• Discovering that the Graham Canyon ice cream at the creamery now has amazingly tasty streaks of graham crackers in it.
• Aneka and I talking about how degrees are still not going to cut it for what we want in life.
• The little red haired girl at the creamery who thinks her dad is weird for not liking dipping sauces and who confirmed to Aneka and me and that yes, we'd rather be moms. She gave me the most excited and sincere congratulations I heard all day—except for Brit's surprised, "You graduated!" and the excited but deep and reverent congratulations of my family.

• The little girl's mother who doesn't think her husband is weird and has a cool purse hook and who keeps track of the little girl who probably has more energy and love than anyone ever. I'd like to be like her.
• The graduate whose cap said, "Daughter #12" on the top. I have no idea what her parents have done and sacrificed to bring twelve daughters (and who knows how many sons) through college. I want to know though so I can do the same.
• The flowers my mom gave me, which were in my favorite color scheme ever—dusty blues, pale yellows, and toned down primrose—with the perfectly hued spider mum and the biggest rose I've ever held.
• My brother saying "I love you" before I said it to him.
• Finally making it to Bombay House and having my family actually like it.
• Seeing my mom's smile after the ceremony.
• My dad being really excited to receive my stole/sash thingy for his garage.
• My family attentively listening to and genuinely laughing at the story I shared.
• Drinking my first Calypso lemonade with my brother in the 7-11 lot.
• Having my grandpa with us at our two family outings.
• The moment when commencement didn't last for two hours.
• Three lovely convocation talks.

• Seeing Sarah Smith, Sara D., Alysa, Megan J., Talia, Christine G., Lori, John Bennion, Kent, Tom, and the man who looks like Ron Weasley in completely unexpected places. These were the kinds of divine meetings only the highest of powers could have orchestrated for me.
• Shaking hands with the man who looks just like Ron Weasley. He wasn't super thrilled to be meeting me, but he should have been. 
• Jenny and I both getting a balloon in the hole above the pendulum in the ESC. This long standing tradition for physics graduates is a tough challenge. We both rocked it—together.

"I was not ever thus"

About a year ago, I spent an afternoon and an evening eating potatoes, chili, and strawberries; talking about heroes and causes; and arguing about capitalization. I knew that everything had changed. And it did. I spent the next week thinking about pink lemonade as an intervention tactic, which is still a thought that crosses my mind. I was not ever thus before.

I’ve been through some periods in my life of deep depression and discouragement, but nothing compared to what I’ve been through more recently. I was not ever thus before.

People often say that things heal with time. I’ve always thought that was true. It’s only a half truth though. Satan is the father of all lies, especially the ones that have some truth in them.

Yes, time dulls pain and makes us forget some things, but time alone has no power to heal. We can let time pass and try to forget our sins and pains, but they never go away unless we confront them with the power the Savior extends. True healing comes only through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Time may be a component, but the changes and the lasting peace that accompanies real healing—those belong to Him. When we rely on His Atonement, then we can truly say, “I was not ever thus nor prayed that thou shouldst lead me on. I loved to choose and see my path but now, lead thou me on.”

A mother's heart

Today, I went walking in search of the playground near my house. I took the long way, wandering down 7th East towards the school there instead of the smaller park. To my delight, I found a playground beyond my wildest dreams. They just installed it: a pirate ship—each turn of wood work gloriously crafted to make some child sure this is the real deal.

Yes. There is pirate candy.

Mostly though, it just looked cool. I walked around it and thought about how I could climb in it, but then what would I do? If I had a friend, I'd throw back a Jones soda and tell stories about the wind and how spring is coming. But I worried that there wasn't really much to do with the pirate ship besides just being in the pirate ship.

How very demanding that all sounds of me. As a child, I would have been far more capable of coming up with entertainment. I realized that I still am. I just need a child who will appreciate my efforts.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a mother. The idea of it thrills me. I get so excited when I think I want to be a mother. I want to have a family. These thoughts are beautiful and good, but sometimes, when I think more about what that entails, I get worried. I start thinking about what I will do all day with a house of children. I worry about filling the time everyday. I worry about always drowning in a mess. I worry about my kitchen looking like this play one I found today.

I'm afraid of not being able to handle the day-to-day living part of it, so much so that when I think about actually being a mom, my focus shifts to these areas and the excitement I feel at the simpler thoughts evaporates from me.

When this happens, I think of this quote from a woman who has nine children now. This comes from her essay titled "To the Mother with Only One Child." 

"When I had only one child, I told myself over and over that motherhood was fulfilling and sanctifying and was filling my heart to the brim with peace and satisfaction.  And so I felt horribly guilty for being so bored, so resentful, so exhausted.  This is a joyful time, dammit!  I should enjoy being suddenly transformed into the Doyenne of Anything that Smells Bad.

"I loved my baby, I loved pushing her on the swing, watching squirrels at the park together, introducing her to apple sauce, and watching her lips move in joyful dreams of milk.  But it was hard, hard, hard.  All this work:  is this who I am now?"

This quote is comforting, because even for this woman, who is what we could call a good mother now, it was a struggle to make this change to all day care. Her days were long and hard, but she still felt moments of joy. Over time as she had more children, those long, hard days changed into more times of enjoyment, though the initial move may be very hard.

It's a shift to fill your entire day with the needs of one other person. But how glorious it becomes as you grow. It's a difficult balance to strike: realizing it's demanding, but stepping up with faith and cheer anyways.

I told a friend yesterday that I didn't feel like I was wanting the right things, meaning that my desire to be a wife and mother is sometimes shallow and overwhelmed by my worries about the less glamorous parts of it. She said, "Well of course! No one wants to be wiping butts all day." This bothered me. I suppose she was trying to make me realize that my worries are normal. But that wasn't what I needed to hear.

What I really want is to change my desires so that my focus is on the why and the beautiful rather than the how. The how is so important: you cannot give love to your family without being willing to give them the deepest acts of service, the "feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the sick and administering to their relief, both spiritually and temporally, according to their wants" (Mosiah 4:26). For me, I need to focus on why those things are so important and what they say: the why, which is love—deeper and purer than anything else—for both God and His children.

After my frustrating encounter, I came across this quote from Kristen Oaks, an LDS woman who did not marry until her 50s.  

"I got a doctorate and became so involved in my profession that I forgot about being a good person. I would say to everyone in this room, always remember that your first calling is as a mother or as a father. Develop those domestic talents, talents of love and talents of service."

Her words validated the thoughts of my heart.

My dearest friend Kent once told me about a new mother who blogged. Her mom commented that all her daughter wrote about was pee and poop. The younger mother exclaimed, "You understand it now! That is my life." I love that this story was important to him. I believe it stuck with him because he understood the struggles of parenting, yet he has a much deeper conviction of the joys behind the struggles. He was willing to take it all.

For him it was so obvious that these things all fit together. Finding matching shoes, cleaning counter tops, and preparing food—all means to joyful moments of standing in holy places, creating praiseworthy projects, and partaking of the Bread of Life together. Those all sound pretty great to me. I can live with the means to get there if those are the ends.

Meeting my needs

This is not the essay I'm supposed to be writing, but I'm going to write this one first.

Today has been an up and down day. By seven in the evening though, I no longer had the emotional strength to do more than cry. This made me mad, so much so that I kept asking Heavenly Father for comfort and was frustrated when I felt like the Spirit didn't send that as I pleaded for it.

I think often on this quote: "God cares for us and watches over us, but it is often through another person that He meets our needs." (I'm sorry I can't find the citation for that right now.)

This is so true in my life that sometimes I don't even recognize it. But tonight, after my slightly demanding prayers, I recognized the several forms of comfort that came. There were two emails in my inbox from friends offering support, love, and assistance.

Tonight, I was supposed to do a class assignment but didn't have the book I needed. After seeing my facebook post about it, a friend I haven't talked to in nearly a year called to offer me his copy. He was willing to drive fifteen minutes just to get it to me. (My favorite part of this story is that he forget he'd already lent his car to someone. That's charity.) Another friend also offered to bring me her copy.

I am blown away by what these people offer me—mercy and love—and by what they teach me. Sometimes I mistakenly think that while God is merciful the world is harsh. It's true that the world can be harsh. But it's more true that God created the world and all the people in it. God is not only merciful when we are on our knees asking for forgiveness and help. His support and grace and love go way beyond those moments. His miracles don't cease at our amens. His Spirit and tender mercies range throughout the world, snatching us up, catching us off guard, and turning our hearts home.

You know enough

When people think of Mormons, they often see us as a people bound up by rules. They might mistakenly think that our entire religion is a great list of dos and do nots. It's easy even for myself to start thinking that my relationship with God is based entirely on the commandments. I do know that God gives us commandments for our good, for our safety, and for our growth. However, His first commandment to us is to love Him. There must be faith, hope, and charity in our lives. Obeying His counsel helps us to develop those, but they are also conditions of the heart that we must choose to live with.

Moroni 10:23 says, "And Christ truly said unto our fathers: If ye have faith ye can do all things which are expedient unto me." It is through our faith that Heavenly Father manifests His power in our lives. In the video below, Elder Neil Andersen talks about how this simple principle is at the heart of what we should focus on in our lives.

In which I appreciate C Jane

I tend to fluctuate in my love and hate of C Jane, but at the end of the day, I must always confess that she is a great writer. After watching this vlog on her fifth love though, I must also confess today that she is a great person who is not so different from myself.

One great lady

On January 2nd, my dear grandmother, Gertie, passed away after a long battle with poor health. I'm not really sure what I want to write here that isn't too close to my heart to share in a place like this. I worry about keeping the most tender memories of her safely tucked away.

Sometimes when I write things, the act of putting things down in words pulls them away from my deeper feelings. This makes for a positive experience usually, but occasionally, it lets me forget things that require more pondering than one bout of writing offers.

So instead of words, I'd like to share a few pictures of my grandma, who is a lovely, lovely lady. Also, I would like to express one thought that holds true in my heart no matter what I write about it: my grandma is still very close to me. Those who pass away are never too far away. When I say this, I am not talking about how we can remember them and that makes us feel close to them. No. I am talking about the literal reality of life after death. I know that when we leave this life, we enter the Spirit World where we engage in other work, taking with us all of the characteristics we have developed in this life. Like Jesus Christ, we will all be resurrected and be reunited with our physical bodies, which will be renewed and glorified. There's more to the story, and you can find that here.

The newer photographs are by my cousin, Nate and his wife Lori. The handsome man below is my Grampie.

Why finals are worth being apathetic over sometimes

A lovely non-engagement photo

For those of you who haven't been in college in a while—or ever—finals are the tests that you take at the end of every semester. The kicker comes for me that they happen about four days after classes have ended. By then, I have unattached myself from everything to do with school. During school, classes and I already have a love/hate relationship, making finals the—well, the final straw.

To top things off, I've been feeling rather sick lately. This of course means that studying is nigh unto impossible.

Well, nothing's impossible, but my mortal body thinks of studying as a side hobby that should be second to its well being.

I'm beginning to agree. When I crashed on the couch last night, Super was, well, super. He let me lay there and simply feel sick. How divine this feels compared to the thoughts I tell myself: Get up, Katie. You don't have time to be sick.

How wonderful it is to have someone wanting me well and who's willing to let me decide what I need at each moment, even when studying may seem like the obvious answer.

Sometimes it's not. I get this reminder every finals week. I'd even go so far as to call it the real final I take every semester.

"And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order."
-Mosiah 4:27

Photo credit: Elizabeth, our photographer friend.

There's a party in Agrabah!

Disclaimer: I drew this heart in the sand, since I'm sentimental.

Just last week, my best friend, MaBeth posted these simple lines on her blog: "Want some happy news? Well, here you go. . . . We're engaged! And he's the best." (Some standardization of punctuation has occurred. I'm an editor, you know.)

I am still in awe about how much life stands behind those fourteen words. And I mean "life" rather literally. Why? Well, in one form or another, they have been dating for eight years! A really long time by almost anyone's standard. I've been around for at least seven of those years, and it even feels like a long time to me! (You know how time in your own life passes so quickly? Well, this did, but it still feels long.) I offer these pictures as proof of how we've aged.

I'm tempted to want a hard rule about how long people should or shouldn't date, but I realize that there is no easy rule. Everyone is so different, and everyone needs something slightly different.

More generally though, there is one rule: Love needs time. I've heard this idea expressed in many ways, but I've never encountered an explanation as beautiful, bright, and straight-forward as this one by Marvin J. Ashton. Some of my favorite parts follow, but you can also read the entire thing here.

"Love demands action if it is to be continuing. Love is a process. Love is not a declaration. Love is not an announcement. Love is not a passing fancy. Love is not an expediency. Love is not a convenience. 'If ye love me, keep my commandments' and 'If ye love me feed my sheep' are God-given proclamations that should remind us we can often best show our love through the processes of feeding and keeping. . . ."

Can you handle the meta?

"Feeding is more than providing food. No man can effectively live by bread alone. Feeding is the providing by love adequate nourishment for the entire man, physically, mentally, morally, and spiritually. Keeping is a process of care, consideration, and kindness appropriately blended with discipline, example, and concern. . . ."

"When were you last fed by a family member or friend? When were you last given nourishment for growth and ideas, plans, sorting of the day, sharing of fun, recreation, sorrow, anxiety, concern, and meditation? These ingredients can only be shared by someone who loves and cares. Have you ever gone to extend sympathy and comfort in moments of death and trial, only to come away fed by the faith and trust of the loving bereaved? Certainly the best way for us to show our love in keeping and feeding is by taking the time to prove it hour by hour and day by day. Our expressions of love and comfort are empty if our actions don’t match. God loves us to continue. Our neighbors and families love us if we will but follow through with sustaining support and self-sharing. True love is as eternal as life itself. Who is to say the joys of eternity are not wrapped up in continuous feeding, keeping, and caring? We need not weary in well-doing when we understand God’s purposes and his children.

"Undoubtedly our Heavenly Father tires of expressions of love in words only. He has made it clear through his prophets and his word that his ways are ways of commitment, and not conversation. He prefers performance over lip service. We show our true love for him in proportion to our keeping his words and the processes of feeding."

Continuing, keeping, and feeding. These words are more beautiful than any "I love you."

Didn't catch the cultural reference in my title? Oh, fine. You can start your repentance at 1:13, but the whole thing is still worth your time.